What I Think About Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight Saga"

The movie version of "New Moon" comes out this weekend, and I'd be lying if I said I was excited about it. "New Moon" is arguably one of the most depressing books I've read in my life (for the record, I listened to the audio books of each novel, read beautifully by IIlyana Kadushin). For nearly 200 pages (6 hours) I sat beside Bella reliving the lowest and worst days of my own life after a terrible break-up. Why I would want to experience that again, even for 2 or 2.5 hours, is incomprehensible. Not to mention all the problems I have with the series in general.

So, here are my thoughts on the whole series, not just "New Moon." I will do my best to keep to the books, but in this day and age, it's hard for a movie adaptation of a book not enter into the equation of a book's success ...

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SERIES

- Stephanie Meyer is to be credited for creating characters that we genuinely care about. As a proud member of "Team Jacob" I can say without prejudice (you'll pardon the pun here) that at no time in recently memory can I recall a "Team Darcy" or a "Team Hermoine" where fans of a book were so excited and proud to support a particular side of a love affair. While her human characters are quickly lost in the mists of the real world, the vampires and werewolves touch the reader's mind and heart in such a way that devotion to some or all of them comes naturally. That's good writing.

- I for one ADORE Alice. If she were real, and not wishing to rip my head off (literally), I'd say we'd make a great couple. Her gift keeps the story moving and whets the appetite of the reader early in the last two books. I was so disappointed that she barely appeared in book four, I couldn't see straight.

- I like the setting of Forks. It's as rural and unfamiliar to most readers as you'll find. The middle-of-nowhere town works well to hide all the strange things that happen there. I think, had she chosen to, the human characters of the series would have blended well into the macabre world. Instead, she focused on the treaty between vampires and the Quileutes, a wonderfully fresh idea that I enjoyed learning more about. I don't know anything about the Indian tribe (or even if they're real), but they made a great nemesis to the vampire heroes. I've always preferred a vampire setting to be more like "The Lost Boys" ... everyone knows about the vampires but can't do anything more than grumble about how they're making the community worse. Grandpa's line from the movie still cracks me up today ...

- The chapter in "New Moon" when Bella, et. al. are sitting around the campfire and listen to the story of the first werewolves was arguably the best moment in the entire series for me. I literally felt like I was sitting at that campfire listening to the story. Maybe it helped I was listening to it while driving late on a dark night, but it was grand.

- I like the Volturi as vampire royalty. In the modern world of instant communications, it makes more sense for me for vampires to get organized (just as they do in "True Blood"). Sadly, they are wasted until the final volume and then part of the lamest ending in the history of written fiction (more on that later).

- Is it my membership on "Team Jacob" that makes me more interested in the werewolves' stories more than the vampires or the lovestory? Quite probably, but I think the twists on the werewolf mythology are far more interesting. After a while I got pretty tired of the pack mentality that I had to deal with, but I suppose it's true about any pack of wolves (I find it in the Laurell Hamilton books too).

- I like the first-person narrative. I think this story told from a standard third-person view wouldn't have been as compelling. The series, in the end, is the coming of age of Bella the Vampire so why not tell the whole story from her prespective. I don't think there's too many details that we miss from this perspective, thanks in large part to Alice's visions and vampires (eventually) sharing all their true feelings. But, following the entire story from Bella's perspective really worked. There were times, listening to the story, when I felt it was Meyer herself writing a story about what she experienced in high school. Good writing.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT THE SERIES

- Sadly, there's a lot I don't like. I'd still recommend people read it and understand better the popular interest in the series, but it doesn't even break my Top 20 all-time favorites.

- The thing that bugs me the most is how Meyer twisted and changed vampire mythology to meet the needs of her love story. In the end, being a vampire becomes a thing of beauty. It is cool to be undead. Sorry, but I am more in line with the Joss Whedon approached to vampires ... they are demons, evil and exist only in contradiction to the natural order of the world. Vampires exist off the life of other living things. Sure, they can exist off pig's blood and "hunting" but in the end they are sustained by taking the blood of another creature, an evil act. Because they cheat death and exist beyond nature, they cannot stand in the light (much less glisten in the light!) nor can they feel the good things in life like love or care about other creatures. Oh, and they don't kill a person to become a vampire, no, no. They are poisoned by a virus that hurts like hell. So, they're not murdered in so much as they just die and become vampires. Please. I say vampires are just plain evil. In Meyer's stories, vampires are cool. I'm right.

- Let me repeat it for emphasis ... vampires should not glisten in sunlight! They are the opposite of beautiful creatures! Please.

- Not only are the Cullens vampires, but they're vampires with superpowers. And the Volturi are vampires with superpowers. I'm all for psychics like Alice, but reading minds or causing pain with your mind? It's like mixing brocolli and chocolate ... it might taste kinda good, but it's just not right.

- So, what was the point for Bella to have human friends? And why did they care about her at all by the time "Breaking Dawn" came around? Sorry, most high school kids (even in small towns) would have left that bandwagon long time ago.

- Speaking of "Breaking Dawn" talk about the lamest, least satisfying ending to a series EVER. Sure, it was the evolution of the character of Bella into the force she was destined to be, but please. So many more interesting and satisfying endings I could think of ... even the cliche "Trial of Bella" ending would have been better. I remember yelling at the radio, "That's it?" as the Volturi left the field. Lame. I was hoping the Cullens would amass a large army, defeat the Volturi and establish a more reasonable vampire monarchy that would encourage co-existence with humans (or we'll sick or friends the werewolves on you). That to me made a lot more sense and would have better fulfilled my manly urges to kill and observe destruction.

- I don't understand how Bella can be so willing to want to become the undead. Oh, yeah, it's cool to be dead. And your boyfriend and you stay hot. Yeah, you're right, life is worthless. Just die.

- Renesmee is probably the dumbest name ever.

- Jake should have just left Bella to her fate after getting screwed in "New Moon." When she dumped him even harder at the end of "Eclipse" he should have stayed away. When she became a vampire, he should have fulfilled his duty.

- So, Jacob was destined to be with Bella's daughter? Guess what, I bet she grows up to screw him over too in order to be with a vampire.

- The Volturi were pussies, well school bullies more likely. Really, they were toothless. They were all scary and dangerous in books 2 and 4 and yet ended up doing nothing but strut around saying "Oh, yeah, we'll hurt you. Big time." Seriously, take a lesson from "The Usual Suspects" it's about being men of will. The Cullens, despite their family feelings, had will to do what they wished. They'd win that battle if they weren't such pussies too. Hell, the redhead had the best shot of ruling over all of them, and she was crazy.

- Aside from the massacre of the vampire mythology, I didn't like the pacing of her books. They were ALL THE SAME! The first 2/3 of the books were all about teenage love, which I could only take in doses. It was bad enough the first time around. Then, the final 1/3 would be this flash of intense action at a furious pace, like trying to cram a whole action movie into 100 pages. The books never got into a rhythm or keep the heart beating. Thankfully, the action portion started at just about the point I wanted to stop listening lest I remember my own high school horrors. Perhaps it is the romantic nature of the story that makes the books so popular. To me, it was the most unbearable part of the series. I prefer a rise and fall to tension and action as the plot progresses forwards.

WHAT I THINK ABOUT THE MOVIES

- Well, I haven't seen "New Moon" the movie yet and probably won't for a while, so I'm afraid I don't have all the facts just yet.

- Robert Pattinson is the wrong guy for Edward. I know Meyer says he is (now rather than when he was first cast), but I don't agree. The Edward I pictured should have been a little older and wouldn't have passed for a high school in any U.S. small town. He certainly wouldn't have gone beyond the notice of the local sheriff (although just about everything else seemed to). Pattinson is Cedric Diggory and won't be much more in my eyes ever. Who would I have cast as Edward? No one pops into my head immediately, but I'd say if they'd made the movies in the late 90's David Borenaz would have fit the bill perfectly. Just as a side note, if I had to choose between following the love life of Edward or Angel, Angel wins easy. At least his girlfriend wasn't such a floosy and a whiner.

- I for one imagined a girl like Kristen Stewart when I thought of Bella, except perhaps someone less brooding. Knowing how pretensious the actress is in real-life, I don't find her to be a good fit anymore. But, she's getting the job done there so I guess I can't complain, as long as I don't read/watch interviews or award shows with her.

- Hate the vampire make-up. I'm sorry, but even in a town where the sun rarely shines, people don't look like walkng corpses that much. Carlisle looks like a walking black/white movie.

- Like the transforming effect of Jacob into the werewolf. Very cool.

- I got a bad feeling the kid who plays Jacob is going to be a mess in about 3 years. He needs someone there to keep him straight, and I don't see the chain-smoking castmates getting the job done.

All in all, the stories had great potential, and Stephane Meyer obviously has ways to connect her characters to the reader well before any actor or actress was cast for the movies. That's hard to say about many books these days, and she's to be commended for that. Beyond that, I think I'll pick up the latest Buffy or Angel comic written by Joss Whedon and enjoy the best and worst that vampires, werewolves and hot co-eds can be.